Opening and Beautiful · Heathers: The Musical

Veronica Sawyer

September 1st, 1989.

Dear diary.

I think I'm a good person.

I believe there's good in everyone,

but here we are first day of senior year.

I see these kids I've known all my life and wondered,

what happened?

Ensemble

Freak! Slut! Burnout!

Bug-Eyes! Poser! Lard-ass!

Veronica Sawyer

We were so tiny Happy and shiny

Playing tag And getting chased

Ensemble

Freak! Slut! Loser! Shortbus!

Veronica Sawyer

Singing and clapping Laughing and napping

Baking cookies, eating paste

Ensemble

Bull-dyke! Stuck-up! Hunchback!

Veronica Sawyer

Then we got bigger

That was the trigger Like the Huns invading Rome

Ram Sweeney & Veronica Sawyer

Move Uh, sorry!

Veronica Sawyer

Welcome to my school This ain't no high school

This is the Thunderdome

Hold your breath And count the days

Ensemble & Veronica Sawyer

We're graduating soon White trash!

Veronica Sawyer

College will be paradise If I'm not dead by June!

But I know

I know Life can be beautiful

I pray I pray for a better way

If we changed back then

We could change again

We can be beautiful

Ow! Just not today

Hey, are you okay?

Ensemble

Get away, nerd.

Freak! Slut! Cripple! Homo!

Homo! Homo!

Veronica Sawyer

Things will get better soon As my letter comes

From Harvard, Duke, or Brown

Wake from this coma Take my diploma

Then I can blow this town

Dream of my ivy-covered walls And smoky French cafes

Ram Sweeney

Watch this!

Veronica Sawyer

Fight the urge To strike a match

And send this dump ablaze!

Ram Sweeney

Oops.

Veronica Sawyer

Ram Sweeney.

Third year as linebacker.

And eighth year of smacking lunch trays

and being a huge dick.

Ram Sweeney

What did you say to me, skank?

Veronica Sawyer

Nothing.

But I know, I know

I know life can be beautiful

I pray, I pray I pray for a better way

We were kind before

We can be kind once more

We can be beautiful

Beautiful!

Agh! Hey, Martha.

Martha

Hey.

Veronica Sawyer

Martha Dunnstock. My best friend since diapers.

She's got a huge heart.

Around here, that's not enough.

Martha

Thanks. We on for movie night?

Veronica Sawyer

Yeah, you're on Jiffy Pop detail.

Martha

I rented The Princess Bride.

Veronica Sawyer

No, again?

Don't you have it memorized by now?

Martha

What can I say? I'm a sucker for a happy ending.

Kurt Kelly

Martha Dumptruck!

If you wanna slim down,

you need more protein in your diet.

Veronica Sawyer

Kurt Kelly.

Quarterback.

He is the smartest guy on the football team.

Which is kind of like being the tallest dwarf.

What is wrong with you?

Kurt Kelly

I'm sorry, are you actually talking to me?

Ram Sweeney

My buddy Kurt just asked you a question.

Veronica Sawyer

What gives you the right to pick on my friend?

I mean, look at you.

You're a high school has-been waiting to happen.

A future gas station attendant.

You got a zit right there.

Dear Diary.

Why Why do they hate me?

Kurt Kelly

Why don't I fight back? Why do I act

Like such a creep?

Veronica Sawyer

Why? Why won't he date me?

Why did I wear this?

Why do I cry myself To sleep?

Why? Somebody hug me!

Somebody fix me! Somebody save me!

Send me a sign, God!

Give me some hope here! Something to live for!

Ensemble

Ah! Heather, Heather

And Heather!

Veronica Sawyer

Then there's the Heathers. They float above it all.

Ensemble

I love Heather

Heather, and Heather

Veronica Sawyer

Heather McNamara. Head cheerleader.

Her dad is loaded, he sells engagement rings.

Heather Duke. Runs the yearbook.

No discernible personality,

but her mom did pay for implants.

And Heather Chandler.

The Almighty.

Ensemble

Heather

Veronica Sawyer

She is a mythic bitch.

The Heathers are solid Teflon,

never bothered, never harassed.

I would give anything to be like that.

Ensemble

I'd like to be their boyfriend.

That would be Beautiful

If I sat at their table, guys would notice me.

So beautiful

I'd like them to be nicer.

That would Be beautiful

I'd like to kidnap a Heather and photograph her naked

in an abandoned warehouse and leave her tied up for the rats!

Heather Chandler

Grow up, Heather.

Bulimia is so '87.

Heather McNamara

Heather, I need a mint.

Heather Chandler

What you need, Heather, is to see a doctor.

Veronica Sawyer

Ah, Heather and Heather.

And Heather.

Ms. Fleming

Perhaps you didn't hear the bell over all the vomiting.

You're late for class.

Heather McNamara

Heather wasn't feeling well.

Heather Chandler

We're helping her.

Ms. Fleming

Not without a hall pass you're not.

A week's detention.

Heather Chandler

My parents pay your salary!

Veronica Sawyer

Actually, Ms. Fleming,

all four of us are out on a hall pass.

Yearbook committee.

Ms. Fleming

Well, I see you're all listed.

Hurry up and get where you're going.

Heather Chandler

This is an excellent forgery.

Who are you?

Veronica Sawyer

Veronica Sawyer.

I crave a boon.

Heather Chandler

What boon?

Veronica Sawyer

Let me sit at your table at lunch. Just once.

No talking necessary.

If people think you guys tolerate me,

they'll leave me alone.

Before you answer, I also do report cards,

permission slips and absence notes.

Heather McNamara

How about prescriptions?

Heather Chandler

Shut up, Heather.

Heather McNamara

Sorry, Heather.

Heather Chandler

For a greasy little nobody, she does have

good bone structure.

And a symmetrical face.

If I took a meat cleaver down the center of her skull,

I'd have matching halves. That's very important.

Of course, you could stand to lose a few pounds.

And ya know, ya know Ya know?

This could be beautiful

Heather Duke & Heather McNamara

Mascara, maybe some lip gloss And we're on our way

Heather Chandler

Get this girl some blush

Heather Duke

And Heather I need your brush

Heather Chandler & Heather Duke & Heather McNamara

- Let's make her beautiful - Let's make her beautiful

Let's make her beautiful Make her beautiful

Heather Chandler

Okay?

Veronica Sawyer

Okay!

Ensemble

Out of my way, geek! I don't want trouble!

You're gonna die At 3:00 p.m.

Don't you dare Touch me!

Ensemble & Veronica Sawyer

Get away, pervert! What'd I ever do to them?

Who could survive this? I can't escape this!

I think I'm dying! Who's that with Heather?

Ensemble

Whoa!

Heather, Heather, Heather

And someone!

Heather, Heather Heather

And a babe!

Heather, Heather Heather

Veronica?

Veronica? Veronica? Veronica?

Heather Chandler & Heather Duke & Heather McNamara

And ya know, ya know Ya know

Veronica Sawyer

Life can be beautiful

You hope, you dream You pray

And you get your way!

Ask me how it feels

Looking like hell on wheels

My God, it's beautiful!

Ensemble

Beautiful! My life is beautiful!

Beautiful!

Veronica Sawyer

And when you're beautiful

It's a beautiful Frickin' day!

Ensemble

Heather, Heather Heather, Veronica!

Heather! Heather! Heather, Veronica!

Veronica! Veronica! Veronica!

Veronica!

Veronica Sawyer

Dear Diary, it's been three weeks

since I became friends with the Heathers.

Friends isn't the right word exactly.

It's more like the Heathers are people I work with.

And our job is being popular and shit.